Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:09 pm Post subject: Sick Jokes
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fecking red mark on her forehead
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks:
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"
I had a very disturbing letter from my doctor this morning that said I only had two weeks to live.
Imagine my relief when I realised that the letter was intended for my 10 year old son who is also called John Smith.
A young guy dropped his girlfriend off at her home after their date. When they reached the front door, he leaned up against the house with one hand and said, "How about a blow job?"
"No way!" she said.
"I'll be quick," he promised.
"No, it's too public," She insisted.
"Oh come on," he pleaded, "I know you enjoy it as much as I do."
"I said no!"
Suddenly the girls younger sister appeared at the door, wearing her nightgown and rubbing her bleary eyes. She said, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself, but for god's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
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I once got the sack for laughing at work.
Mind you, I was driving the hearse.
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A sex researcher calls a couple about an apparent mistake in their questionnaire.
Husband answers and the researcher says, "in the survey you say you have sex twice a week?"
The husband replies "that is correct". The researcher then says "but your wife has sex ten times every night?" The husband replies "correct and until our second mortgage is paid off that's the way it has to be"
Okay, I'll take the bait on this one (what with being 500 miles away from a punch in the face!)
What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool??
A baby with burst armbands!
You are very welcome,
My mum wasn't though when I pretended that was the cracker joke at the last xmas gathering I was invited to....she kept complaining that the crackers were from Marks and Spencer....bless her
After the safe return of Shannon Matthews her step-father has arranged a family break in Portugal.
__________
Shannon Matthews, the first Madeleine McCann tribute act.
_________
Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguise Police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed
_________________
Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "feck off," replies the copper, "You've only been missing a month..."
___________
too soon?
no _________________ It'll be great having a black US President. I can't wait to see the White House on 'MTV Cribs.'
I saw some footage of all the Olympic athletes training before the games.
The Chinese really stood out for me though, using the same athlete for all of the events.
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A lot of people are concerned about the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but it's worth remembering that this is not the first times the games have been hosted by a brutal regime. The 1936 Olympics were hosted in Berlin by Hitler himself, but they were generally regarded as being one of the best games ever, with athletes such as Jesse Owens becoming legends.
Of course, the 1936 Special Olympics didn't go quite as well...
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Can't wait for the Olympics. I hear that there's a female weightlifter who has an amazing snatch.
--- _________________ It'll be great having a black US President. I can't wait to see the White House on 'MTV Cribs.'
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
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