My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fecking red mark on her forehead
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks:
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"
I had a very disturbing letter from my doctor this morning that said I only had two weeks to live.
Imagine my relief when I realised that the letter was intended for my 10 year old son who is also called John Smith.
A young guy dropped his girlfriend off at her home after their date. When they reached the front door, he leaned up against the house with one hand and said, "How about a blow job?"
"No way!" she said.
"I'll be quick," he promised.
"No, it's too public," She insisted.
"Oh come on," he pleaded, "I know you enjoy it as much as I do."
"I said no!"
Suddenly the girls younger sister appeared at the door, wearing her nightgown and rubbing her bleary eyes. She said, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself, but for god's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
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I once got the sack for laughing at work.
Mind you, I was driving the hearse.
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A sex researcher calls a couple about an apparent mistake in their questionnaire.
Husband answers and the researcher says, "in the survey you say you have sex twice a week?"
The husband replies "that is correct". The researcher then says "but your wife has sex ten times every night?" The husband replies "correct and until our second mortgage is paid off that's the way it has to be"
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joe
LOL all very good
Shug
See, it's comments like that that are letting you catch me up in the number of posts race
asahat
no dead baby jokes though....shame
cheeky_diver
asahat wrote:
no dead baby jokes though....shame
Okay, I'll take the bait on this one (what with being 500 miles away from a punch in the face!)
What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool??
A baby with burst armbands!
You are very welcome,
My mum wasn't though when I pretended that was the cracker joke at the last xmas gathering I was invited to....she kept complaining that the crackers were from Marks and Spencer....bless her
cheeky (sometimes very)
asahat
Its not dead baby....i'm saving those humdingers but.....
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs????????
Stephen Hawking after a house fire!
Shug
That's sick but it makes me wonder if he would have been screaming robot style
Frazer
hello
After the safe return of Shannon Matthews her step-father has arranged a family break in Portugal.
__________
Shannon Matthews, the first Madeleine McCann tribute act.
_________
Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguise Police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed
_________________
Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "feck off," replies the copper, "You've only been missing a month..."
___________
too soon?
no
asahat
Harsh Frazer, you've cut me deep;
Whats the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck of marbles with a pitchfork.
Also (heres the Frenzters favourite);
Whats better than a paralympic gold medal?
Walking.
Frazer
OLYMPICS
I saw some footage of all the Olympic athletes training before the games.
The Chinese really stood out for me though, using the same athlete for all of the events.
----
A lot of people are concerned about the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but it's worth remembering that this is not the first times the games have been hosted by a brutal regime. The 1936 Olympics were hosted in Berlin by Hitler himself, but they were generally regarded as being one of the best games ever, with athletes such as Jesse Owens becoming legends.
Of course, the 1936 Special Olympics didn't go quite as well...
----
Can't wait for the Olympics. I hear that there's a female weightlifter who has an amazing snatch.
---
Liam
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Doctors say Jade Goody's tumour is the size of a tomato.
Hopefully they are treating it with Growmore.
__________________________
Another sh1t joke about cancer?
Oh goody!
____________________________
It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body.
Take Gary Glitter for example; he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cook.
____________________________-
I can't say I'm surprised that Gary Glitter doesn't want to return to the UK. I wouldn't want to come back to all these fat kids either.
______________________________-
Gary Glitter is going straight to rehab to get treatment for his ten-year-old crack habit.
_____________________________----
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
hehe tap on the door!
cuttlefish
oh the hilarity
prydain55
oh the PAIN!
By the way, what's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload marbles with a pitchfork.
Max
Frazer
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2 and we will send you the video; it's fecking hilarious!
cuttlefish
thats awful!
prydain55
An old one which still has the power to disturb;
How many dead babies does it take to paper the living room?
Depends how thin you slice them!
Max
Frazer
Ultimate phone prank:
1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"
2. Operator replies, "You're through to Childline."
3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE c*nt, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.
prydain55
Nice. Sure beats the hell out of "Is your refrigerator running?"
Max
Frazer
i can't believe they don't let you write c u n t. well .........
C U N T
HAHAHAHAHA F UCK YOU
POO BALLS CRAP DAMN FART
go team tourette avec a la laptop
Frazer
This is doing the rounds online, the first bit isn't too funny but the reply is. Anyone else want to take this dude for a beer? i like his wit
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I
can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that m! y behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth ,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L! ' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't F**k him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom
in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you! might like to know.
